annoying parent magazine closing down

Conde Nast, a big publishing company that puts out magazines like The New Yorker and Vogue, is losing money hand over fist. So they announced today that they’re closing down a couple of their magazines. One of the ones going away forever is Cookie, one of the most annoying magazines in the history of time. Cookie is a magazine devoted to sanctamommies and all their stupid interests in organic baby food and $500 hand-sewn onesies. We here at tbti consider this not a loss for Conde Nast but a gain for all those who hate annoying parents and their need to read articles about themselves.

we completely endorse this

In case there were any question, tbti is completely on board with children smoking. After all, if Mommy and Daddy want to treat their kids like grownups and take them to bars and rock concerts, it’s only natural that little Augustus or Petunia want to smoke, too.

vanessa hudgens hates her (kid) fans

“I love kids, don’t get me wrong, because without them I wouldn’t be where I am today, but they do follow me around to the most peculiar places. And they’re very loud! When they start screaming it’s sweet to see how enthusiastic they are, but I’m going to go deaf sooner than most people. It’s impossible to calm them down when they start, I just cover my ears.”

That’s what you get when you star in a movie that only little kids want to watch, Vanessa.

take back the bars

A tipster emailed us last night to report a baby-hating moment that really warmed our ice cold hearts:

I was at a bar in Williamsburg that had a huge backyard, full of hipsters and this one couple with a toddler. Everyone kept shooting the kid death glares. Then (maybe because of telekinesis?) the kid tripped and hit his head. He started screaming and no one went over to help the parents. Don’t worry he wasn’t bleeding or anything. The parents couldn’t believe no one helped them and they packed up all their shit and left. While they were walking to the door several people loudly “whispered” “why would you bring a kid to a bar?!”

Nice work, Williamsburg. Remember, if one breeder has a bad experience at a bar they’ll send out the sanctamommy bat signal and tell all the other parents and their kidlets to stay away. Your bar should be safe for now.

“no kid” comes to canada

Good news, fellow kid-haters! tbti’s favorite book, “No Kid,” has found a publisher in Canada and will be coming out this week. I don’t know what that means about America, but now that the book’s in English it should be a lot easier to get our hands on. We encourage all tbti readers to buy several copies so that we can knock all those stupid mommy memoirs off the best-seller lists.

An article in a Canadian magazine about the book’s publication is chock full of fun sounding kid-free people we need to be friends with. Hmmm…does anyone want to start a tbti chapter in Canada? Here are some tasty morsels-

Elaine Lui was 29 years old and had been married for a year when she and her husband, Jacek Szenowicz, decided that they didn’t want children. “Before that, we didn’t give it a lot of thought,” says the Vancouver-based eTalk reporter who writes the popular celebrity gossip blog LaineyGossip.com. “It was just an assumption, ‘You get married, you have kids.’ ” Front-line exposure to a close relative’s three young children and the work they required provided a wake-up call, Lui says. “That killed it for us. We just looked at each other and said, ‘We don’t want them.’ ”

In the ensuing six years, the couple has been barraged with reasons why they should change their minds, from “Your life will have no value if you don’t” to “You’ll be so lonely when you get old” to Lui’s favourite: “Don’t you want to know what your children would look like?” “Any baby we’d have would be of mixed race,” she says. “So everyone says, ‘Oh, it would be so gorgeous!’ ” She laughs. “And I’m like, ‘Wow, that’s really going to make me want to change my whole life.’ ” It’s a life the couple enjoys: they work together on her website (he handles the business side), golf together, engage in community volunteer work, and dote on their dog, Marcus.

Wow, people who voluntarily don’t want kids and manage to have really fun happy lives in the meantime? Whoda thunk it?

Projects for the weekend- 1. Add LaineyGossip to our blog roll. 2. Find “No Kid” on Amazon. 3. Plan trip to Vancouver. Isn’t there an island there?

tbti’s new favorite coffee shop

Sign posted in 9th Street Espresso:

Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free dog.

supermodel’s life ruined by pregnancy

Pregnant Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima has this to say about how her life sucks now that she’s with spawn:

It’s funny because I used to love chocolate – I was such a chocolate lover until I got pregnant! But now it just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I haven’t really had any since I got pregnant. “I guess that’s a good thing since it’s chocolate and it’s probably not good for the baby to eat too much sugar, but I hope I get my love of chocolate back afterwards because I really did enjoy it!”

In case it wasn’t clear, Chocolate >>>>> Babies.

sanctamommy bloggers banned from free publicity

The only thing more annoying than a sanctamommy is a sanctamommy with a blog – just read Storked if you don’t believe us. Now, a website called MomDot, which is a networking site for sanctamommies and their blogs, has told their members that they have to spend a whole week without posting about any of the free shit they get in the mail. MomDot says that their bloggers should be “real” for one whole week and post about stuff their kids do or their husbands say or whatever else it is they write about.

The real problem is not that sanctamommy bloggers are giving free publicity to the people who send them free shit. IT’S THAT THEY’RE GETTING FREE SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE. They already had baby showers and now they just keep getting more? What is this, mommyblogger welfare? Fuck that noise.

Anyone who would like to send Josie and me and our happy empty wombs some free shit should email us. After a long day blogging, reading hate mail, and dodging parents who use their kids’ strollers as battering rams on the street, we deserve a Calgon day.

mtv glorifies teen parents

MTV is apparently getting into the horror movie genre with a summer series called 16 and Pregnant. Each episode is about a different knocked up 16 year old. It’s some of the best birth control we’ve ever seen. Plus, one of the chicks names her kid Bentley. Like the car. Total winner right there.

lifetime achievement award: debbie rowe

As anybody who has heard the song “Gold Digger” knows, plenty of women try to get knocked up by a rich famous dude so they can child support money. Some people are stupid and have babies with Bobby Brown and K-Fed, and some women are smart and have babies with Tiger Woods or that French guy Salma Hayek had a baby with.

But a special tbti “I had this kid even though I don’t like it just because I like money” award has to go to Debbie Rowe, a.k.a. Michael Jackson’s kids’  mom. Everybody forgot about her for awhile because Michael was being all weird and hanging a baby from a window and stuff, but now that he’s dead Debbie is all over the place. Here are some of her best quotes:

• “Because you give birth and impregnate someone does not automatically give you the title of mother or father you earn the title.”
• “My kids don’t call me mom because I dont want them to. They are Michael’s children. Its not that they’re not my children, but I had them because I wanted him to be a father.”
• “I am telling you that he is the most brilliant father. Almost before the baby needed something, he knew what it was. And that’s not for me.”
• “If it hadn’t been for how much I love him and because of our relationship, I would never have had children.”

This woman is a genius. She has the kids, gets the payout, AND doesn’t actually have to raise them. It’s an even better deal than that chick who was a surrogate mom for SJP and Ferris Bueller. It would almost be worth being pregnant for that kind of cash.