sanctamommy bloggers banned from free publicity

The only thing more annoying than a sanctamommy is a sanctamommy with a blog – just read Storked if you don’t believe us. Now, a website called MomDot, which is a networking site for sanctamommies and their blogs, has told their members that they have to spend a whole week without posting about any of the free shit they get in the mail. MomDot says that their bloggers should be “real” for one whole week and post about stuff their kids do or their husbands say or whatever else it is they write about.

The real problem is not that sanctamommy bloggers are giving free publicity to the people who send them free shit. IT’S THAT THEY’RE GETTING FREE SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE. They already had baby showers and now they just keep getting more? What is this, mommyblogger welfare? Fuck that noise.

Anyone who would like to send Josie and me and our happy empty wombs some free shit should email us. After a long day blogging, reading hate mail, and dodging parents who use their kids’ strollers as battering rams on the street, we deserve a Calgon day.

mtv glorifies teen parents

MTV is apparently getting into the horror movie genre with a summer series called 16 and Pregnant. Each episode is about a different knocked up 16 year old. It’s some of the best birth control we’ve ever seen. Plus, one of the chicks names her kid Bentley. Like the car. Total winner right there.

lifetime achievement award: debbie rowe

As anybody who has heard the song “Gold Digger” knows, plenty of women try to get knocked up by a rich famous dude so they can child support money. Some people are stupid and have babies with Bobby Brown and K-Fed, and some women are smart and have babies with Tiger Woods or that French guy Salma Hayek had a baby with.

But a special tbti “I had this kid even though I don’t like it just because I like money” award has to go to Debbie Rowe, a.k.a. Michael Jackson’s kids’  mom. Everybody forgot about her for awhile because Michael was being all weird and hanging a baby from a window and stuff, but now that he’s dead Debbie is all over the place. Here are some of her best quotes:

  • “Because you give birth and impregnate someone does not automatically give you the title of mother or father you earn the title.”
  • “My kids don’t call me mom because I dont want them to. They are Michael’s children. Its not that they’re not my children, but I had them because I wanted him to be a father.”
  • “I am telling you that he is the most brilliant father. Almost before the baby needed something, he knew what it was. And that’s not for me.”
  • “If it hadn’t been for how much I love him and because of our relationship, I would never have had children.”

This woman is a genius. She has the kids, gets the payout, AND doesn’t actually have to raise them. It’s an even better deal than that chick who was a surrogate mom for SJP and Ferris Bueller. It would almost be worth being pregnant for that kind of cash.

“away we go” rewards sanctamommies

The new movie “Away We Go” is trying to trick you into thinking it’s good. The main characters, a hipster couple about to have a kid, are played by Jim from “The Office” and Maya Rudolph (aka Donatella Versace on “Saturday Night Live.”) It’s written by real life married authors Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida. However, the New York post writer, Sara Stewart, who reviewed the movie is onto them and does a public service by making sure everybody knows that the movie is just a nicely wrapped package full of sanctamommy (and daddy) attitude. The article is not just about the movie, it’s a rant about how New York parents are uptight, holier-than-thou douches who lecture each other about organic food and think they’re better parents than everyone else. (Sara calls it parent-on-parent shaming.)

Coincidentally, Eggers’ old neighborhood, Park Slope, remains ground zero for NYC’s alt-parenting elite — though they can be found in every corner of town. Whenever eyebrows raise at a mom feeding formula to her baby; whenever a parent tells another, “We don’t have TV in our house;” whenever a baby is forced to wear a $40 Ramones onesie, the spirit of parental one-upmanship is there.

Luckily, not every NYC parent is a brainwashed yuppie. Sara managed to find some normal people (tbti readers, maybe?).

One acid-tongued commentator on the Brooklyn baby scene, a man who will only give us his blog name (“Blogngr”), has penned an online apology for presumptuous hipster-parent misdeeds.

“We the parents of Park Slope and the surrounding vicinity,” he writes on his blog, “hereby declare our realization that we and our children can, at times, be annoying as F – – K. We are naturally compelled to value our children’s feelings and well-being above all else, frequently to the exclusion of our consideration for others, our capacity for courtesy, and our common sense.”

Holier-than-thou parenting, he says, is as old as humankind. It just comes in different formats. Today’s “Away We Go” brand is based in a competition to see who can, as he puts it, be the “least evil.” (He hasn’t seen the movie, he adds, but has watched the trailer. “I swear to Christ,” he says, “you’d have to kidnap my children and demand a ticket stub as ransom to get me to go see it.”)

OK, we’ve gotta find this guy’s blog and link to it. Hello new best friend.

tbti celebrity of the day

“I think women are afraid to say that they don’t want children because they’re going to get shunned. But I think that’s changing too now. I have more girlfriends who don’t have kids than those that do. And honestly? We don’t need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet.”

– the beautiful (and environment-loving) actress Cameron Diaz

we have a british counterpart

Model Marie Helvin, who is modeling for the UK department store Marks & Spencer, is 56 and really fucking rad. She also agrees with us a lot! Marie hates leggings, likes pencil skirts, and is adamantly anti-kid.

I’ve had an amazing life, done lots of fantastic things. I never wanted children, so that’s not an issue.” She is very clear on this point, having once had an abortion when she lived in Japan.

Once again, Marie proves that not spawning is excellent for your health, your looks, and your sanity.

Hey, Marie, any interest in starting a London version of tbti? We can’t pay you, but you can totally stay at our apartment whenever you’re in town!

badly named event comes to jersey

We got all excited when we saw a flyer for something called “Batting for Babies” in our mailbox yesterday. Sadly, it isn’t a day where people hit babies with baseball bats. It’s some kind of like minor league baseball fundraiser for babies or something. Whatever it is, it’s in Jersey and sounds lame. They should really work on coming up with a better name or they might accidentally end up with a bunch of baby-haters at their event trying to swing at their kids.