Category Archives: in the news

annoying parent magazine closing down

Conde Nast, a big publishing company that puts out magazines like The New Yorker and Vogue, is losing money hand over fist. So they announced today that they’re closing down a couple of their magazines. One of the ones going away forever is Cookie, one of the most annoying magazines in the history of time. Cookie is a magazine devoted to sanctamommies and all their stupid interests in organic baby food and $500 hand-sewn onesies. We here at tbti consider this not a loss for Conde Nast but a gain for all those who hate annoying parents and their need to read articles about themselves.

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“no kid” comes to canada

Good news, fellow kid-haters! tbti’s favorite book, “No Kid,” has found a publisher in Canada and will be coming out this week. I don’t know what that means about America, but now that the book’s in English it should be a lot easier to get our hands on. We encourage all tbti readers to buy several copies so that we can knock all those stupid mommy memoirs off the best-seller lists.

An article in a Canadian magazine about the book’s publication is chock full of fun sounding kid-free people we need to be friends with. Hmmm…does anyone want to start a tbti chapter in Canada? Here are some tasty morsels-

Elaine Lui was 29 years old and had been married for a year when she and her husband, Jacek Szenowicz, decided that they didn’t want children. “Before that, we didn’t give it a lot of thought,” says the Vancouver-based eTalk reporter who writes the popular celebrity gossip blog LaineyGossip.com. “It was just an assumption, ‘You get married, you have kids.’ ” Front-line exposure to a close relative’s three young children and the work they required provided a wake-up call, Lui says. “That killed it for us. We just looked at each other and said, ‘We don’t want them.’ ”

In the ensuing six years, the couple has been barraged with reasons why they should change their minds, from “Your life will have no value if you don’t” to “You’ll be so lonely when you get old” to Lui’s favourite: “Don’t you want to know what your children would look like?” “Any baby we’d have would be of mixed race,” she says. “So everyone says, ‘Oh, it would be so gorgeous!’ ” She laughs. “And I’m like, ‘Wow, that’s really going to make me want to change my whole life.’ ” It’s a life the couple enjoys: they work together on her website (he handles the business side), golf together, engage in community volunteer work, and dote on their dog, Marcus.

Wow, people who voluntarily don’t want kids and manage to have really fun happy lives in the meantime? Whoda thunk it?

Projects for the weekend- 1. Add LaineyGossip to our blog roll. 2. Find “No Kid” on Amazon. 3. Plan trip to Vancouver. Isn’t there an island there?

sanctamommy bloggers banned from free publicity

The only thing more annoying than a sanctamommy is a sanctamommy with a blog – just read Storked if you don’t believe us. Now, a website called MomDot, which is a networking site for sanctamommies and their blogs, has told their members that they have to spend a whole week without posting about any of the free shit they get in the mail. MomDot says that their bloggers should be “real” for one whole week and post about stuff their kids do or their husbands say or whatever else it is they write about.

The real problem is not that sanctamommy bloggers are giving free publicity to the people who send them free shit. IT’S THAT THEY’RE GETTING FREE SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE. They already had baby showers and now they just keep getting more? What is this, mommyblogger welfare? Fuck that noise.

Anyone who would like to send Josie and me and our happy empty wombs some free shit should email us. After a long day blogging, reading hate mail, and dodging parents who use their kids’ strollers as battering rams on the street, we deserve a Calgon day.

lifetime achievement award: debbie rowe

As anybody who has heard the song “Gold Digger” knows, plenty of women try to get knocked up by a rich famous dude so they can child support money. Some people are stupid and have babies with Bobby Brown and K-Fed, and some women are smart and have babies with Tiger Woods or that French guy Salma Hayek had a baby with.

But a special tbti “I had this kid even though I don’t like it just because I like money” award has to go to Debbie Rowe, a.k.a. Michael Jackson’s kids’  mom. Everybody forgot about her for awhile because Michael was being all weird and hanging a baby from a window and stuff, but now that he’s dead Debbie is all over the place. Here are some of her best quotes:

  • “Because you give birth and impregnate someone does not automatically give you the title of mother or father you earn the title.”
  • “My kids don’t call me mom because I dont want them to. They are Michael’s children. Its not that they’re not my children, but I had them because I wanted him to be a father.”
  • “I am telling you that he is the most brilliant father. Almost before the baby needed something, he knew what it was. And that’s not for me.”
  • “If it hadn’t been for how much I love him and because of our relationship, I would never have had children.”

This woman is a genius. She has the kids, gets the payout, AND doesn’t actually have to raise them. It’s an even better deal than that chick who was a surrogate mom for SJP and Ferris Bueller. It would almost be worth being pregnant for that kind of cash.

“away we go” rewards sanctamommies

The new movie “Away We Go” is trying to trick you into thinking it’s good. The main characters, a hipster couple about to have a kid, are played by Jim from “The Office” and Maya Rudolph (aka Donatella Versace on “Saturday Night Live.”) It’s written by real life married authors Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida. However, the New York post writer, Sara Stewart, who reviewed the movie is onto them and does a public service by making sure everybody knows that the movie is just a nicely wrapped package full of sanctamommy (and daddy) attitude. The article is not just about the movie, it’s a rant about how New York parents are uptight, holier-than-thou douches who lecture each other about organic food and think they’re better parents than everyone else. (Sara calls it parent-on-parent shaming.)

Coincidentally, Eggers’ old neighborhood, Park Slope, remains ground zero for NYC’s alt-parenting elite — though they can be found in every corner of town. Whenever eyebrows raise at a mom feeding formula to her baby; whenever a parent tells another, “We don’t have TV in our house;” whenever a baby is forced to wear a $40 Ramones onesie, the spirit of parental one-upmanship is there.

Luckily, not every NYC parent is a brainwashed yuppie. Sara managed to find some normal people (tbti readers, maybe?).

One acid-tongued commentator on the Brooklyn baby scene, a man who will only give us his blog name (“Blogngr”), has penned an online apology for presumptuous hipster-parent misdeeds.

“We the parents of Park Slope and the surrounding vicinity,” he writes on his blog, “hereby declare our realization that we and our children can, at times, be annoying as F – – K. We are naturally compelled to value our children’s feelings and well-being above all else, frequently to the exclusion of our consideration for others, our capacity for courtesy, and our common sense.”

Holier-than-thou parenting, he says, is as old as humankind. It just comes in different formats. Today’s “Away We Go” brand is based in a competition to see who can, as he puts it, be the “least evil.” (He hasn’t seen the movie, he adds, but has watched the trailer. “I swear to Christ,” he says, “you’d have to kidnap my children and demand a ticket stub as ransom to get me to go see it.”)

OK, we’ve gotta find this guy’s blog and link to it. Hello new best friend.

six annoying new humans born in new york

Some people in Queens had sextuplets (that’s six little monsters if you’re keeping track at home) in October. And it’s not enough for local papers to report on people who have a whole army of rugrats as if it’s news or something, they have to do stupid followups. Today’s Daily News had an article about the exciting news that the little mutants now have names. The four boys are named Justin, Joel, Jadon, and Jezreel, and the two girls are named Danelia and Genesis. I’m totally confused. Did they decide to go with J names and think Genesis counted as a G? But then how does that explain Danelia? And what the hell kind of name is Jezreel? It’s not like there’s a shortage of boy names that start with J, just ask the Duggars. They have an older kid named Jhancarlos. You know Michelle Duggar is pissed she didn’t think of that one first.

Here’s the best thing from the otherwise dumb and pointless article – for the past three months, while the parents had to think up all those names, the kids were just known as A, B, C, D, E, and F. If Josie and I refer to babies as nicknames people send us hate mail and get all touchy, but it’s totally cool to refer to your kids as initials because it was too hard to think of actual names? And then the newspaper does an article about you as if you did something special, when all you did was pop out a bunch of babies? Congratu-fricking-lations.

why obama will be a good president

It’s a bit early to say Obama is going to be the raddest president ever, but he’s already done two things we here at tbti are very happy about:

1. He is raising his two children to be polite, well-behaved in public, and (the kicker) not residents of New York City.

2. His security people have banned strollers from his inaguaration.

Oh beauuuuuuuutifullllllllll for spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacious skies…