tbti’s must-see theater

One of those grownups-only things we love to do here on our island is go check out some Broadway theater. Unfortunately, people are always dragging their little mutants along to come see the play, even if it’s past bedtime and they’re tired or have colic or whatever. Isn’t that why we have those stupid Disney musical plays in the first place, for kids and tourists? But one awesome playwright has written a play that’s not just interesting and apparently good, it’s got a foolproof way to keep babies out of the theater.

Mark Schultz’s play The Gingerbread Man is about a married couple who are bored with life. Obviously, the reason they are bored is because they have kids, which drags everyone’s life down.

Brian (Jason Butler Harner) stirs from his exhausted slouch. “Honey,” he says, “I think we should sell the kids.”

Stacey (Sarah Paulson) responds with a blank stare and a light laugh. “Maybe we can get a new fridge,” she says dryly.

But Brian isn’t kidding. He’s sick of the children. “We can start our lives again,” he says in a coaxing tone. “We can have it back. All of it.”

Mr. Schultz isn’t kidding either. In the queasy discussion that follows, Sarah gradually comes around to the idea of unloading their two young children, through a work associate of Brian’s, to strangers in Albania. In the play’s second scene the deal is struck, and Stacey and Brian are instantly unencumbered.

OK, this is brilliant. That’s the one thing missing from all these articles where people freak out about the economy and how you should give up things and save money and shit – if you have kids sitting around sucking up resources and not even doing anything to earn their keep, it’s time to trim the fat, people. And your baby = the fat.

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