We at tbti apologize for the lack of new posts but we were deeply engaged in a silent meditation retreat training our ovaries to be sterile. After prayer circles and shadow puppet dead baby jokes, we have return, renewed, refreshed, and blissfully barren to the greatest gift of all from loyal tbti operative Penny Royaltea. Penny writes:
The scene: a semi-fancy restaurant
The problem: Just after we order our food, in walks the trashiest looking couple pushing a baby stroller. Now let me stress: THIS IS NOT A RESTAURANT FOR CHILDREN. I mean, yeah, we’ve established that parents bring their kids EVERYWHERE now, but it seems most of the time, they have the good sense to know when a restaurant is just way too fancy.
We think: Oh, maybe it’ll be one of those QUIET BABIES
But no: It’s one of those babies who have just discovered their mouths make noises.
So all through dinner, we are treated to a round of delighted screams, interwoven with lip-buzzing noises and cooing NOT TO MENTION the couple has parked their baby just close enough to their table that it can KICK THE TABLE when it moves its feet making not only the entire table shake, but also all of the silverware and plates bang against the table.
As you can imagine, we clench our fists and jaws and bare it for well over an hour. And then my grandmother says: “inappropriate” just a little too loud
Immediately after: The mother and father got up and carried the baby out
and for the rest of the night, we were treated to straight out glares from everyone at their table as they took “shifts” so that one of them could sit with the baby in the alcove of the restaurant.
You might think it was cool, but listen to what happens next: One of the women–who i have to add, was dressed like the most white-trash bimbo tramp from the 80’s i have ever seen, with tight tapered jeans and a low-cut top–was feeding the baby from a bottle with the another woman. As I walk past her, she says in a New Jersey accent very audibly, “some people should really mind their own business”
I: stop in my tracks and say matter-of-factly: fuck you!
As i head into the bathroom, she retorts: well! you have quite the little mouth on you don’t you!
As I leave, she repeats again: you know, some people can’t mind their own business
I’m thinking how dumb can this woman be if she can’t come up with anything better than that, and I say: well you know, when SOME PEOPLE bring a baby to a restaurant like this one, their business becomes EVERYONE ELSE’S business, whether everyone else wants it to or not!
She waves her hand at me like the bimbo she is and says (sarcastically): have a nice night!
I’m again thinking i’m glad her mannerisms equal her choice of clothing, and say: well actually, thanks to you, I HAVEN’T
She is getting visibly and audibly irritated but still unwilling to use the word “fuck” in her ANGELIC BABY’S presence) her final retort: why don’t you frickin’ go FRICK yourself!