what to do when a baby moves into your building

-Be the the unwelcoming committee, give the parents a gift basket full of toxic chemicals, recently recalled toys, listings of houses in the suburbs, moving van flyers, and contraceptives

-Ask parents how much kid costs

-Tell them the landlord is a cannibal and likes the soft succulent taste of infant

-Buy dingo, keep uncaged

-Put sign on the neighbor’s door advertising takebacktheisland (email us for signs and stickers–they’re free)

-Write fake epa reports about how building is toxic to pregnant women and children

-Have really loud sex in apartment during Sesame Street hours and yell “Oh baby, keep that sperm out of me!”

-Remove child guards from neighbor’s windows

-Sell bugaboo left in hallway on ebay or craiglist, give discount to customer if child is still inside

-Hold child hostage and refuse to return until they move to the suburbs

-Buy sewing machine, tell kid it must make twenty wallets a day or parents will get it

-Crank call neighbors from the orphanage

-Volunteer to baby sit and run away laughing…when parents get back and ask about kid say “what kid”

-Call kid’s nanny and give it the day off

-OD in front of neighbors’ door

-Stage multiple robberies in building, armed if possible, when asked blame child

-Write all over communal walls with crayon, again blame child

-Become registered sex offender

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One response to “what to do when a baby moves into your building

  1. Hilarious! I will follow each and every one of these rules.

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