our patron saint

The star of wonder, star of light, guided us to our patron saint tonight. Behold, Andy Heildel, beleaguered bartendered and the next Martin Luther. Like Luther before him, Heidel stood up for what was right and tacked his message on the door of the offender. On the door of the patio lounge, Heidel declared:

THE STROLLER MANIFESTO

“What is it with people bringing their kids into bars? What, just because there’s no more smoking, it’s okay? I’m sorry, it isn’t. A bar is a place for adults to kick back and relax. How can you do that with a toddler running around or crying, getting changed on the table next to you, or being breast-fed? And is a bar really the kind of environment a child should be exposed to? I know in Europe it is commonplace, but hey — this is America, baby. Besides, bars are “21 and over.” Just because a 5-year-old obviously won’t get served, it doesn’t mean they should be in there. And don’t get me started about the strollers blocking access to the bar, seating, and the looks I get when I ask someone to move their stroller because it is obviously in the way of not only me but also everyone else. Doublewide strollers are the bane of Park Slope.

“Listen, if you’re a parent now, your child doesn’t have to be the center of everyone else’s universe too. Get a babysitter if you want to go out to a bar, or buy a bottle of wine and invite your friends over, just stop imposing your lifestyle on the rest of us in our sanctuary of choice. You made the decision to have a child and now, like a responsible adult and parent, you have to change your lifestyle as well. I’ve spoken to some courteous parents who agree with this and they get a sitter when they go out because they want some time with adults, not kids. Anyways, I’m sick of kids and strollers in bars, and so are a lot of other people. If you can’t find a sitter and have to go out with your child, for the love of god, go to a family restaurant like Two Boots or the Tea Lounge, for I declare today and all future Sundays, Stroller Free.”

We at takebacktheisland would like to salute Andy Heildel for his important contributions toward, well, taking back the island. It is about time that someone stood up to the yuppie-parent-loud-minority in this town and represented the real denizens of this New York. If you can’t get a decent $11 cocktail in New York City, then something is very wrong. Andy Heildel is defending our right to not only get that cocktail, but to drink it in some fucking peace. There must be safe places in our city, and if bars are not safe then no place is safe. For this noble bartender, no tip is too great.

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4 responses to “our patron saint

  1. Right on, brother Heidel. I did a stand up routine at Southpaw in Park Slope a few years ago. Things were going so-so until I launched into a frothy rant targeted at annoying yuppies in the ‘hood, including the uber-obnoxious Stroller Brigade. The crowd loved it. Kids are great, and I hope to have a few of my own some day, but they don’t belong in bars. Just like adults don’t belong in nursery schools taking nips off their flasks. Love, Mackey

  2. Preach it!

  3. Pingback: pardon me sir, would you mind watching my kid? « Take Back the Island

  4. Pingback: Guys With Kids, Epic Parental Fail | Terrible Television

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