They say there is a new star in the sky tonight. A couple thousand years ago, a child was born in the land of Israel. They say that he was born at the end of December, although he was actually born in the spring, but his PR team decided that winter had a better ring to it. [Winter really capitalized on the pagan festivities already in place.] Since then, millions of mindless sheep all over the world have created an entire culture and capitalist festival around… a baby. That’s right. A baby. A loud, crying, useless, born-out-of-wedlock baby. For years to come, pilgrims would leave their homes all over the world and go to the great city of New York to pay respect for this baby in the form of stupid Broadway musicals based on Disney movies and giant Christmas trees located in a central part of town that you will be trying to get through only to have to weave through a giant crowd of fat Midwesterners.
And then, thousands of Decembers later, the news of another child’s impending birth went out throughout the land. Like the baby Jeebus, this baby will be born to an unmarried teenage girl who met her boyfriend at a religious function. And we, Josie and Ruby, would like to invite Perez Hilton to join us as the Three Wise People, as we bring gifts of KFC and Cheetos and Red Bull to the blessed child. This is literally the best Christmas present ever.
Pictured: the 21st century Mary and Joseph.
Thank you, knocked up Younger Spears. Thank you. We’re going to have material for months.