We’ve been secretly reading Glamour’s preggers blog Storked and we would have posted but always ended up vomiting instead. Anyhow, Christine Coppa, age 26, got preggers and had to leave her fabulous “Sex in the City” (her term, not ours) life behind to spawn little fetus JD (someone has a not so secret Zach Braff crush). At least this all happened the summer Knocked Up came out– so trendy!
We at tbti commend Christine Coppa for moving to Jersey before the baby was born–at least Manhattan’s high real estate prices keep the single twenty-something moms out! But, our support end there. As dear dear Tini gives birth, we’d like to take this moment to present a strong argument in favor of yanking out her ovaries right after they grab the kid. We support the sterilization of Christine Coppa for the following ten reasons:
1) Prior to being born, her kid already owns three pairs of designer sneakers and a Ramones t-shirt. Ten bucks said that Tini only knows of The Ramones from “My So-Called Life”.
2) She bought a onesie that says “Gucci Coo” (mouth vomit!). I’m guessing that this JD will make Braff seem manly.
3) She drags too many people into the drama of her unfortunate life choices. JD has City Aunties, Jersey Aunties, and too many Uncles and God-Daddies to count. Not to mention Tini airs all her dirty laundry on the goddamn internet. Most kids are accidents. Get over yourself, Lady.
4) She took her fat ass to a 4 star resort for a “baby-moon.” While JD maybe wind up on food stamps, at least Tini got a chance to get her toe nails polished.
5) She insisted her baby shower be in New York City- Soho nonetheless. Read our manifesta, Tini, and think twice before you cross us again.
6) She celebrates each of her crap fetus’ milestones and even called him a “lil’ genius” before he is born. Tini, JD is not special and neither are you. He’s not even born yet. Think what she’ll do when he has real birthdays instead of gestational ones.
7) On interviewing friends and preparing for going into labor, she wrote, “I don’t want to pull a Miranda and splatter all over, say, my girl Nic’s heels. ” (more mouth vomit) You just know she’s one of those girls who begins half her sentences with “Y’know that one episode of SatC where Carrie…” and ends with “…that is so true.” And she calls her friends her girls? Please. She might as well say “my homies” for all the coolness in that term.
8) JD is “her special guy”, “the only man in her life” and her “true love”–way to guarantee that your son won’t have problems with women. Or that any actual adult man will ever want to mate with you again.
9) The following quote appears at the top of her latest post: “The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn’t been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.”
10) The only–we repeat, only–reason she got hired to write this blog is because she was knocked up. Come on, Glamour, you can surely find writers who are pregnant and not complete morons, right? She’s not even a good enough writer for us to snark on unless she’s actually in labor.
Get a clue, Tini. Being a single mom isn’t cool and it sure isn’t the way to attract a fella. Showing off our birth control prescription and condom collection is part of our seduction routine, and let us tell you– it works.
If our steralization campaign fails, can we at least ban this woman from ever setting foot in Manhattan again. Come on bridge and tunnel workers lets unite!