Your children do not belong in Las Vegas. I’m going to make this as simple as I can for you. Here are some reasons why:
- It is really hot there. Like, really hot. Like, so hot that your baby turns red and starts screaming when it is outside for more than five minutes at a time. When your kid has a hat and sunscreen and a little fan clipped to its stroller and it is still overheating, that should tell you something.
- They are too young to gamble.
- When you are playing craps while holding your infant, and it starts crying, you should probably know that babies are seriously bad luck.
- They are too young to drink.
- They are too young to solicit hookers.
- The flight back to New York is apparently too long for them, as they cannot sit still and feel the need to run up and down the aisles of the plane.
Bottom line: all the things that are awesome about Vegas are things that babies can’t do. They can’t drink, smoke, try their hand at the slots, play poker, or get blowjobs from prostitutes. If the entire point of a town is for adults to partake in debauchery, that probably means your baby doesn’t belong there. Since IT IS NOT AN ADULT. Leave the kid at home and maybe have some hotel sex. It’ll be good for you.
Ruby Stoneheart, who is just back from Vegas