parents compete to have the most annoyingly named kid

Consultants are like lawyers–everybody hates them. Consultants are people who show up at your office without any context for anything and then immediately criticize everything you do. Come to think of it, consultants are a lot like parents. So it’s appropriate that wealthy Manhattan mommies and daddies who have nothing better to do (because if you do have something better to do, you don’t have time to procreate) hire consultants to pick out baby names for them.

To be fair, this isn’t just a New York trend. True to form, middle-America people hear about dumb shit New Yorkers do (go to theme restaurants, root for the Yankees, stand in line for mediocre cupcakes at Magnolia Bakery) and think that if they imitate it their pathetic Peoria life will suddenly be more glamorous and interesting. Note this case from the article:

Sean and Dawn Mistretta from Charlotte, N.C., tossed around possibilities for five months before they hired a pair of consultants — baby-name book authors who draw up lists of suggestions for $50. During a 30-minute conference call with Mrs. Mistretta, 34, a lawyer, and Mr. Mistretta, 35, a securities trader, the consultants discussed names based on their phonetic elements, popularity, and ethnic and linguistic origins — then sent a 15-page list of possibilities. When their daughter was born in April, the Mistrettas settled on one of the consultants’ suggestions — Ava — but only after taking one final straw poll of doctors and nurses at the hospital. While her family complimented the choice, Mrs. Mistretta says, “they think we’re a little neurotic.”

Hey, Dawn? Maybe they think you’re neurotic because you are. You should be grateful they don’t think you’re a complete waste of space, which TBTI does. Also, “Sean and Dawn”? You should never marry anyone whose name rhymes with yours. No fucking wonder you had to hire a stranger to name your kid.


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