Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so we’d like to thank Us Weekly for imitating us with this week’s issue. They played their own game of Baby Vs. Paris Hilton–and, unlike when we played it, they chose Baby. We don’t want Paris being on the cover of every single magazine either, but to replace her with babies? No way.
If babies are loathsome, celebrity babies are especially loathsome. In regular life, it’s bad enough that new parents feel the need to chronicle their kid’s every bowel movement. But magazines like Us Weekly give a public forum to celebrities so that they can babble about how they never knew real love until they had their baby. And how can you not hate celebrity babies when they grow up with gold-plated sippy cups and designer infant Uggs and onesies that cost more than my entire wardrobe? How can you not find them irritating beyond all belief when there are way too many pages of ink devoted to which precious little snowflake has a cuter haircut? They’re entitled My Super Sweet Sixteen subjects waiting to happen. They are not interesting. Despite what I may think about Ben Affleck’s “career,” he at least did something worthy of becoming famous. All his kid did was get born. I would way rather read about what B-list actor is going to rehab and what reality star is cheating on his wife. I know the purpose that tabloids serve. But at least B and C list actors are people, not blobs of protoplasm who drew a lucky number in the birth certificate pool.
Which of these celebrity babies is most obnoxious?
A) Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
B) Violet Affleck
C) Sean Preston Federline
D) Suri Cruise
E) Whatever Tori Spelling’s kid is named
Leave your response in the comments. We’ll crown the lucky winner the next Paris Hilton.