mother’s day manifesta

crying childYou have nothing to be proud of…

Manhattan mothers think procreating is an art. They’re so proud of little Preston, Sophie, Colton, and Bella. And they seem to think that you are proud of them too. It is not an achievement that your child exists. You are not important. You are not special. And neither are your kids.

Plenty of people have children (and while we are not proud of them) they at least followed the rules. They took their Bugaboo double-wide stroller and their Kate Spade diaper bag and headed off to the suburbs where they belonged. Suburbs have gates, lawns, parks and invisible fencing–all designed to contain and separate.

Manhattan is without borders, and that’s why we love it. There’s nothing to block the homeless man from peeing on your foot or you from spitting on a tourist. You can drink till 5 am on a Sunday. Buy a vibrator at the local drugstore with the Advil for your Monday morning hangover (Thank you, Rickies!). Or have sex in a public bathroom containing a shrine to Dolly Parton. Manhattan is filled with so many interesting ways to spend one’s time and money that choosing to devote energy to procreation or child rearing is offensively uncreative.

Those stupid enough to have a baby or child, or God forbid, children in the city, don’t let their bad decisions end there. They actually let the it out of the house. They take it on subways where it squeals the entire ride while throwing its binkie, blankie, or bottle on the floor and at innocent bystanders. They take it to restaurants that don’t have children’s menus and then proceed to have their child cry over an $18 entree that it doesn’t eat and ruin your hair-of-the-dog brunch. What’s even more offensive, isn’t just the child’s behavior. It’s the parents’. Parents seem to think that not only are their spawn’s social abominations permissible, they are actually cute. They let them sing on the subway. They enjoy it when Peter pipes in with his opinion at the movie. And they let Kayleigh rub her grubby jam hands all over the Eames chair at MOMA’s design store.

As a mother’s day present to takebacktheisland’s cold cold barren ovaries, please follow the following five rules:

1) Only take your child to neighborhoods that have at least two kid-friendly stores per block–you know where they are and if not, we’ll have a map up soon to show you.

2) Stay on the last car of every subway, so we know where you are and how to avoid you.

3) Get a curfew–the earlier the better. Keep Billy inside by 9 pm, if not sooner.

4) Do not enter any establishment that serves alcohol. We are trying to have fun.

5) And whatever you do, under no circumstance are you to ever talk about the child. No one cares!

–Josie Hawk & Ruby Stoneheart

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9 responses to “mother’s day manifesta

  1. YouGuys Areidiots

    Babies are smelly and dirty and cry a lot…but they grow…and grow until they are something more than just a dirty baby, they are an original human being. If you force them all to grow up in the suburbs…they’ll be cookie cutter kids with nothing unique to show for themselves…and then they’ll be nobody to take the place of cold hearted bastards like you guys(:… they’ll just build an old folks home and too many dollar stores where your precious clubs and public bathrooms used to be. Kids can be so much cooler than adults..cause they dont need LSD for an imagination.

  2. Um, people who grow up in the suburbs can choose to move to NYC and not have children. It’s pretty awesome.

    Why are there going to be dollar stores where the clubs used to be?

    I like having brunch with cold hearted bastards. I do NOT like having brunch next to a 3 yr old banging a spoon on the table next to me. And I grew up in the suburbs. Go figure.

    You know the world is over populated, right? And that not having kids is an educated, responsible decision?

  3. YOU KNOW THERE ARE MANY THINGS IN THIS WORLD, THAT EVEN ME AS A PARENT DOES NOT LIKE. I DON’T LIKE CROWDS OR PEOPLE WHO DON’T USE THEIR DIRECTIONALS. I DON’T APPRECIATE LONG LINES AT THE BATHROOM OR ADULTS WHO LITTER. I DON’T LIKE WOMEN WHO PRANCE AROUND A BEACH WITH A STRING BIKINI OR EVEN DARE I SAY, THOSE WHO BREASTFEED IN PUBLIC. I DON’T LIKE MALE CHAUVINISTS, LOUD WANNABE SURBURBAN THUGS, CATTY WOMEN, SNIDE PEOPLE OR ANYONE ON FOX NEWS. HOWEVER, THEY ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST AND IF RUDE PEOPLE CAN MIGRATE THEIR INCONSIDERATE STENCH IN ANY PART OF THE CITY OR WORLD FOR THAT MATTER, THAN SO CAN CHILDREN. NOW I HAVE TO AGREE THAT BRINGING CHILDREN TO ADULT RESTAURANTS OR HAVING THEM RUN AROUND STORES KNOCKING THINGS DOWN IS NOT OKAY, I DON’T LIKE IT EITHER. SO OUT OF SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, WHEN I HAVE A FAMILY DINNER OUT, I GO TO A FAMILY RESTAURANT, MY CHILD STAYS SEATED IN HER WAGON AND IF SHE BEGINS TO GET LOUD, ANYWHERE, I REMOVE HER AND MYSELF FROM WHERE WE ARE SO NOT TO DISTURB ANYONE. I KNOW THIS WEBSITE IS BUILT ON A SATIRICAL ALBEIT TRUTHFUL BELIEF SYSTEM, BUT BEING A RESPONSIBLE PARENT OF YES, A BEAUTIFUL, UNIQUE, SMART, HAPPY, WELL-BEHAVED AND VERY SPECIAL GIRL, I HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH THE FAMILIAL SEGREGRATION YOU ARE PROPOSING. EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO EXIST WHERE THEY PLEASE MUCH TO THE SHIGRIN OF OTHERS. WHAT IT ALL COMES DOWN TO IS WHEN YOU PAY OUR BILLS THEN YOU CAN TELL US WHERE TO GO, UNTIL THEN IF THERE IS A LOUD CHILD IN THE SUBWAY, AND IT’S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT IT RUINS YOUR DAY AND BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH, THEN GET A CAB. IT’S LIFE DEAL WITH IT. THERE’S WORSE THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN IN YOUR DAY, LIKE DEALING WITH PETTY PEOPLE WHO GRIPE ABOUT WHAT AN INCONVENIENCE HAVING TO CO-EXIST WITH CHILDREN CAN BE.

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  6. New York parents seem to think that parenting is about parents, not children. Let me suggest that in spite of the large amounts of money some parents spend on their children, the greatest gift they can give is peace and stability, both in short supply in NYC. Babies and bars? No matter how capable you are of looking after the kids physical needs and keeping it safe, once you’ve had a couple of drinks, you are simply emotionally unavailable to the child. Kids in a fancy restaurant? Child abuse, IMHO.

  7. Don’t banish kids to the suburbs! Then they’ll grow up to be boring soccer playing weenies who don’t know squat about diversity or the homeless or any other issues (unless they learn a modicum about it to get an “A” on a social studies report to pad their resume to get into a safe monochrome college). The cities are the best teachers — the man peeing on your foot is reality — let them see it, know it and understand it.

    Babies in bars? Hard partying liquor bars – -duh, No! But what about a neighborhood pub? European pubs don’t have a problem with this, but then, their children (and dogs) are better behaved.

    There’s the Peace Love Dope method of rearing children, and then there’s the “Isn’t Junior wonderful? He’s set the neighbor’s cat on fire again — how creative”.

    And singing on the subway? Since when was that a crime? I’d better stop humming those angst ridden tunes from the 80’s.

    Curfew yes — kids need sleep so they can get up early and torment us.

    I can’t complain too much about kids — about their parents — oh my yes! I think we could restrict the naughty parents to the last subway car — let the kids ride in the other cars and sing Blister in the Sun with the rest of us while we pee on someone’s foot!

  8. “Blister in the Sun?!” Jeezus, yeah, you AND the kids need permanent banishment to the last car.

    God help us all.

  9. I’m offended by those insinuating that my growing up in the suburbs automatically made me a racist, soccer playing, chain restaurant eating, and uncreative individual. My parents left the city upon the realization that raising two (and eventually 3) girls in an environment surrounded by the comfort, safety and space offered by the suburbs was more important to them then what could be offered by the city.

    I do understand how other parents might not make the same decision but do not assume that living in the suburbs is a boredom life-sentence.

    With that being said the parents who do decide to raise their children in the city do so with the inherent risks associated with it. What angers me (and I believe many supporters of this site) is the gall some parents display with actions that are inherently aimed at changing what makes the city so special and beautiful. If one makes the decision to stay in Manhattan and raise their children one should not attempt to change Manhattan to make it more like the suburbs through actions like forcing establishments to be more “family-friendly,” or having the homeless man who peed on your shoes arrested.

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