You have nothing to be proud of…
Manhattan mothers think procreating is an art. They’re so proud of little Preston, Sophie, Colton, and Bella. And they seem to think that you are proud of them too. It is not an achievement that your child exists. You are not important. You are not special. And neither are your kids.
Plenty of people have children (and while we are not proud of them) they at least followed the rules. They took their Bugaboo double-wide stroller and their Kate Spade diaper bag and headed off to the suburbs where they belonged. Suburbs have gates, lawns, parks and invisible fencing–all designed to contain and separate.
Manhattan is without borders, and that’s why we love it. There’s nothing to block the homeless man from peeing on your foot or you from spitting on a tourist. You can drink till 5 am on a Sunday. Buy a vibrator at the local drugstore with the Advil for your Monday morning hangover (Thank you, Rickies!). Or have sex in a public bathroom containing a shrine to Dolly Parton. Manhattan is filled with so many interesting ways to spend one’s time and money that choosing to devote energy to procreation or child rearing is offensively uncreative.
Those stupid enough to have a baby or child, or God forbid, children in the city, don’t let their bad decisions end there. They actually let the it out of the house. They take it on subways where it squeals the entire ride while throwing its binkie, blankie, or bottle on the floor and at innocent bystanders. They take it to restaurants that don’t have children’s menus and then proceed to have their child cry over an $18 entree that it doesn’t eat and ruin your hair-of-the-dog brunch. What’s even more offensive, isn’t just the child’s behavior. It’s the parents’. Parents seem to think that not only are their spawn’s social abominations permissible, they are actually cute. They let them sing on the subway. They enjoy it when Peter pipes in with his opinion at the movie. And they let Kayleigh rub her grubby jam hands all over the Eames chair at MOMA’s design store.
As a mother’s day present to takebacktheisland’s cold cold barren ovaries, please follow the following five rules:
1) Only take your child to neighborhoods that have at least two kid-friendly stores per block–you know where they are and if not, we’ll have a map up soon to show you.
2) Stay on the last car of every subway, so we know where you are and how to avoid you.
3) Get a curfew–the earlier the better. Keep Billy inside by 9 pm, if not sooner.
4) Do not enter any establishment that serves alcohol. We are trying to have fun.
5) And whatever you do, under no circumstance are you to ever talk about the child. No one cares!
–Josie Hawk & Ruby Stoneheart